This is the image of Chaos ....

or not. Who knows.

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Phew

I'm beat. I hadn't really realized, that for the past many, many months (maybe years!) just how much energy I've been expending. I always seem be working on the next deal/project - finding the project, looking at putting a team together to help support the work, while concurrently seeking financing, etc., etc., etc. Yes, I'm complaining, and yet I'm really simply trying to release some negative energy - so thanks for listening!!

I'm a one woman show who is always on the lookout for a kick-ass producing partner that has the same desires - the desire to want to produce great/interesting/fun projects. And yet, being in 'this business' for as long as I have, their's an inherent fear that once you get to the point where the deals being made, miraculously and always surprisingly to me, Mr. Hyde comes out in people. It's the enormity of ones EGO that fights ones very being, even after knowing how hard people work to try and make things happen. It's mystifying to me.

I was fortunate enough to have been mentored by the best early in my career, and the first thing I was taught, and noticed through actions was that being humble, loyal, asking questions, and really listening always, always brought you ahead of the game.

I'm observing the plight of a breed of un-entitled, impatient, know-it-all types coming through the pipeline. I'm sounding incredibly cynical, and that's not typically my nature, and yet, I must be feeling frustrated .... oh, and tired ... dead tired.

Well, the good news is that I'm still looking to work with great people that are interested in collaborating on projects, and yet are also willing to leave their ego's locked in a cellar (for the good of all). Thankfully, I'm still optimistic!!

Yours sincerely ....

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Dear jd

My friend jd reminded me yesterday that I hadn't written in my blog for quite some time. Not only did I think it was incredibly sweet of him to ask, it was also a wonderful compliment to me that in fact someone actually reads my blog! And truly, jd isn't just saying this as lip service, he is one of the most sincere people I know!

For the first time I feel compelled to keep up with my blogging. Thank you jd for inspiring me to write here again!

Blogging can be a very freeing experience. It really does allow oneself to express how ones feeling in a relatively safe environment! This is huge for me as I'm not exactly the most forthcoming person when it comes to sharing my personal life with people. My friend jd can attest for that!

Thanks jd xo

Albeit a short blog today ... I'll be back!!!

See you soon!

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Oh Canada ...

Canada vs USA in hockey at the Olympics - Final game - tension is high, excitement elevated - a sea of red envelops Canada Hockey Place in Vancouver .... I am ecstatic ... and I'm not even a hockey fan ... well I wasn't until now! It is 2 -0 for Canada .... NOOOOOOOO, USA just scored .... it is 2-1 in the 2nd period - I can't take it. Oh Canada I want you to win - so does millions of other people.

The Vancouver winter Olympics has stirred a greater pride in me. I have been glued to the games. I have relished in the glory of the athletes and their accomplishments. I have laughed and cried in unison with the world with whatever has transpired.

This final hockey game however has caught me quite off guard. I'm tense and anxious as I try to distract myself by typing in my blog. It is not working.

I am now going back to the game with my full attention and focus. You will know exactly how I feel when we all discover the outcome of the game in about 20 minutes from now. Ugh, 20 minutes seems like an eternity.

GO Canada GO!!!

-------------------------------

P.S. It's many hours later - that's how much time it took for me to climb off of the ceiling ... and all I can say is .... YAHOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! Oh what a feeling!!!!!!

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Twin Power

My twin brother and I had a chance to hang out together this past little while. We live quite far from one another. I realize that when we do have a chance to connect in person, rather then our usual phone and email correspondence, I realize just how much I miss him. Our time together is fun, honest, and, well, together.

Don't get me wrong, we have our moments, but aside from the temporary aggravation we both feel, we really do love each other.

There is something wonderfully refreshing when one has a good relationship with ones family members. Personally, I don't have to be guarded or careful with my words. We can really talk about things that concern us, and yet we don't feel judged. I haven't experienced this with my friends. There is always a sense of not feeling 100% "safe" in being me - really me, although, there is nothing really that mysterious about me. Nevertheless I am grateful for my family.

I just took my brother to the airport, and although he'll be back soon, I miss him already. There is no question that I love having him in the same City. We have a bond. I don't think it's a twin thing necessarily, although I'm probably kidding myself - it's more like a warm, fuzzy feeling just knowing he's around.

That's all I really had to say about that .... ;-)

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Feeling Alive ...

The playfulness of life. The excitement an unexpected encounter. The possibility of an adventure. All these make me feel alive. Understanding for the most part that I am in control of my life and all that goes into it.

A friend of mine recently reminded me of this wonderful quote:

"Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you imagined." Henry David Thoreau

Although I've strayed from time to time in my life from the direction in which I desired to travel, theirs no question the diversion has done me a world of good. I drum it up to "Life is what happens when you're out making other plans." John Lennon.

Wonderful that theirs a quote for everything. I feel a certain comfort in that - the feeling that one is not alone.

I find myself at any given time thinking about where I'm at in my life and whether or not I'm doing what it is that makes me happy. For the most part my journey is a good one with no destination in site. Just the way I want it.

I encourage you to re-look at where you're at in your life at any given time and place, and ponder the possibilities to whether or not you're in the need of a different perspective.

journey on ...

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Bouts of Insecurity ...

The feeling of being insecure is unsettling. Particularly when one perceives oneself as being secure. However, who is one kidding.

Ok, being brave, I am shifting from typing "oneself" to "I." Hmm maybe I am feeling more secure! After all, I am human. I'm simply expressing my emotion/feeling of sometimes feeling insecure. And yet, it is terribly difficult for me to admit. Terribly difficult. Because it's about feeling vulnerable. Ugh.

My insecurity comes from my fear of being lonely. Not feeling loved, appreciated, needed, you know, all that crap ;-) ...

This emotion/feeling that takes hold of me is most unnerving. I feel exposed. It's a horrible feeling. This feeling is rare to me, and yet when it hits, it hits hard. It paralyzes my confidence. I'm the same confident, self-assured person I was yesterday, and yet today I am riddled with self-doubt. I need to seek shelter until this feeling passes.

After careful deduction, I'm surmising that this feeling comes about when I'm either extremely tired or extremely miserable about an aspect of my life. Who the hell knows. I just know that I feel lousy when I feel this way.

I'm now going to find a dark location where I can hide until this feeling passes. I'm not yet ready to explore the deeper meaning of this emotion, because if I do, then it's all about me, and I hate being so self-serving .... lol, we'll leave THAT emotion for another day.

See you on the flip side ....

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